Prodigal Daughter

Nganzi is, at its core, a way to share my experiences as well as my journey with God in the hopes that you gain something, but it has also given me a sense of accountability in my relationship with Him that I never had before. Before, if I had sinned or fallen short of God’s standards for me it was just between Him and me. Now, I have to be vulnerable with not just God but you as well which is so difficult for me! However, I realise that confession is an important and necessary aspect of repentance which is why I’m so grateful for this blog because it continually keeps me in line.

Recently I grew distant from God. Again. This is actually quite embarrassing to admit because, at the beginning of the year, I wrote a blog post talking about the difficult time I had in 2022 because of this same problem and how it was my resolution this year to be faithful and not let anything sway me from my walk with God. It truly was my intention, but a combination of temptation from the world, my pride as well as the distractions and challenges of daily life caused me to read my Bible, pray and generally spend time with God less. I fell into the predictable cycle of:

1. Getting enticed by the things of the world

2. Thinking that a little harmless dabbling in the world here and there wouldn’t hurt

3. This snowballed into me starting to spend and crave more “harmless” time in the world

4. Which led to spending less time with God

5. I became guilty and reluctant to go back to God afterwards because I thought He was probably really sick of my antics this time

6. I didn’t feel qualified or close enough to God to write the blogs

7. And the cycle continued.

This is something I’ve definitely struggled with for the better part of my journey with God and it’s something I still need to overcome. The worst part of it is the guilt. How do you turn back to God when you rejected Him for the “scintillating” ways of the world, which you recognise after a time are all a facade and the only consistent and unwavering thing in your life in the first place was Him? When you discover that the only One who is ever really there for you through all things is Him? How do you come back penitently when you feel like you’re too far gone? These were the questions that pestered me when I knew there was no justification or story I could spin and I had to be honest not only with God but with myself.

Instead of doing the wise thing and repenting at the first sign of backsliding, I did the unwise thing which I always do and tried to hide from God. I tried to ignore the pricking of my conscience and move on. That was until I acknowledged, well and truly, that God isn’t just a little part of my life. I can’t forget Him and then call on Him only when I need Him for something because He is literally my everything. He’s my God and Father and Friend, yet He's so much more. There’s no way to describe how involved He is in every single thing I think and say and do. There’s no way to remove Him from my life without completely changing who I am. I’m so deeply rooted in Him - His ways, principles and expectations are such a fundamental part of me, that relinquishing Him, even for a little while, is like forgetting myself. When I was backsliding, I didn’t even recognise myself because the traits he had instilled in me as a result of dwelling in His presence were dwindling before my eyes. For example, I’ve prided myself on being a pretty hardworking and disciplined person but being apart from Him, I felt lethargic and tired all the time. I was lazy and constantly demotivated. I couldn’t push myself to be better because without Him it seemed like there was no point.

Not only did my virtues seem to be diminishing I was also noticing bad qualities cropping up. I wasn't being the excellent person God commands His people to be (Colossians 3:23-24); I would get anxious thinking about the repercussions of my actions and the way I was coming across to others as a child of God. Worst of all, I felt shame about Nganzi because I felt like a fraud. How could I, someone who preaches the redeeming love of God and the importance of always setting your eyes on Him, be experiencing these issues again? How could I be expected to write about God when I hardly opened my Bible and prayed each day? Whichever way I looked at it, I was being a hypocrite and it was hard to accept.

That's why when I say that God is irrevocably a part of me, I mean it. Without Him, I was utterly and completely lost and that scared me as much as it opened my eyes to the truth. Psalm 127:1-2 (NIV) says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves.”

As I was backsliding, I was reminded of this verse. Whenever I felt anxious, or irritable or lazy I remembered that those weren’t characteristics given to me by the LORD. They were a result of me trying to do things on my own. It made me see the reality of my dynamic with God clear as day and the truth was: without Him, I really don’t stand a chance at tackling any challenge that comes my way because I’m simply too weak on my own.

Through all this though, I have been incredibly grateful for Nganzi. When I know that I’m being held accountable for my actions because I’m sharing my relationship with God here, it motivates me to represent Him correctly. That’s why it grieves me so much when I feel like I let Him - and you - down. I can't just sweep these things under the rug because I know that I have a community of like-minded people who pray for and care for me and who deserve better than someone who doesn’t actually practice what they preach. I thank God for Nganzi because not only is it a way for me to document how far I’ve come, it also never lets me quit. It forces me to own up to my actions and face myself even when I don’t want to. I know that the more honest and vulnerable I am, the more responsible I become and the more I grow in God. Whenever I feel like pushing the conviction of the Holy Spirit aside from now on, I’ll remember that I owe it not just to God but to you as well to be sincere about where I am in my journey, so I’m eternally grateful.

As much as I detest backsliding, I’m glad after the fact that it happened because the next time I get the urge to walk away or listen to the lies that the devil tells me, I'll think again and remember the tough experiences I had when I wasn’t connected to God. I pray that you can learn from me and you don’t need to experience backsliding and disconnecting from the LORD for yourself before you acknowledge your powerlessness before Him and His perfection. It’s a hard pill to swallow but very worth it once you finally get it and, ultimately, it brings you closer to God.