Undeserving

Deserving. Adjective. Definition: Worthy of being treated in a particular way, typically of being given assistance.

I’ve found myself, when I’m praying recently, saying things like, “I don’t deserve Your goodness, LORD” or “I’m not deserving of Your grace and mercy”. As I was praying, I felt God say to me, “You don’t deserve it but I’m giving it to you anyway”. I realised that often I attribute human characteristics to Him because I just can’t justify the things He does in my head at times. I forget that God is love and it’s simply in His nature to be good to His children. This is very difficult to wholeheartedly believe and accept because I’ve never experienced a relationship like this. My relationship with God is the only one where nothing is expected of me yet I am eternally indebted to Him. Even when I’m unfaithful to God, as long as I cry out to Him sincerely He is more than willing and ready to shower me with His love and blessings. He has shown me that whenever I am tempted to run away or talk myself out of praying because I think I don’t deserve His kindness, that I should remember Hebrews 4:16 (NIV) that says, “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Something that’s helping me a lot when I find it hard to grasp God’s love is that I will never ever be able to make it up to Him. I think often we, or at least I, am under the erroneous impression that when I’m faithfully serving God and living holy, that is when I am “deserving”; that’s absolutely not true. There is nothing we can do that would compare to the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross and no amount of good deeds, prayers or even souls saved can make us “even” with God. It’s hard to wrap my head around this concept because most natural relationships we have consist of some kind of transaction. You do something for me and I do something for you in return. God’s love, on the other hand, is counterintuitive. When we’re struggling, floundering in our sins, is when He shows us just how potent, fierce and overwhelming His love for us is. Even when we sin, He doesn’t condemn us, even when we go astray, He leaves the 99 to come find us. How can someone be so loving and faithful and kind and merciful to me when I’ve been the exact opposite? How can someone’s love be so unconditional and unwavering?

Romans 5:6-8 (NIV) says, “You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Instead of letting us die, as we ought to, God sent His Son to die in our place because He knows how unworthy we are. In His master plan, He already factored in our mistakes, our fallibility, our tendency to stray and at that crucial moment He made the most powerful gesture of love imaginable. If He was able to do that, why are we so surprised when He shows us His love and faithfulness on a daily basis?

When you think about it, God doesn’t just save His love for these grandiose moments, He shows us His love in allowing us to wake up each day healthy and spend time with our loved ones. He shows us He loves us by ordering our steps every time we go out and protecting us wherever we go. He loves us by watching over us as we sleep each night and by giving us grace and mercy regardless of the number of times we may mess up. He shows us His love in a multitude of ways, practically all the time so why is it so hard for us to simply welcome it? 

For me, a big part of that acceptance has come from knowing that God doesn’t want anything from me. He doesn’t expect me to now act perfectly because of what He’s done for me. Before anything, he is my Friend, my Confidante and He wants the best for me. He wants me to have peace knowing that I am his daughter and I will always have His love and guidance because of that fact. He wants me to simply receive the love He extends, no questions asked, so that I can be that same love to others. While I’m still learning how to fully embrace this without guilt or shame, this revelation has brought me a lot of peace and gratitude. I pray it does the same for you. 

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